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Commonplace Books
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Condos
All that glitters is not gold.
Particularly that thing over there.
That's, maybe, a giant insect of some sort.
It's really too dark to tell.
Welcome to Night Vale.
I am not a good salesman.
This is why I am a radio host, listeners.
Because while I like to talk to people – a real people person, it says in Russian at the bottom of my college degree – I don't like to shape a conversation toward buying and selling.
I like to tell people stories – stories that affect them – allowing my listeners to process the stories in their own unique ways.
I don't want to directly tell them how to think.
I am not a good salesman.
That being said, I have Girl Scout cookies!
Please, if you want some, come on up to the station!
My niece, Janice, joined the Girl Scouts last year, and I have box upon box of…Caramel de
Lites, Thin Mints, and those, uh, lemon ones.
There are also quite a few of these new cookies, in very heavy, unmarked, black boxes that I think are made entirely of metal.
And there's one box that's a five-foot-by-five-foot wooden crate, with air holes cut into the top, and Peanut Butter Patties scrawled on it in permanent marker.
I can hear breathing inside.
I know people normally order the cookies first, and then get them delivered weeks later, but sometimes a mother goes out of town, and the stepfather isn't on top of his stepdaughter's extracurricular activities, and then the child doesn't know how to sell cookies on her own, so the kindly uncle, with a busy radio job, has to step in and buy up a bunch of boxes, so she can go camping with her friends while you continue to disappoint everyone with your inattention to detail, and sports gambling, and idiotic taste in shoes, Steve Carlsberg!
Yes, Steve, this is how things sometimes happen.
Anyway.
Listeners, these cookies are delicious.
And I had to buy a lot of them.
There is barely any room here in the studio, or in my producer Daniel's booth.
So, buy some cookies!
Please, help us.
It is…difficult to move, actually.
Sorry, I am not a good salesman.
Many of you have written in asking about our station cat, Khoshekh.
He was attacked by an animal that our stupid……that our evil……that our station management let in the building for some careless reason.
Well, Khoshekh is on the mend.
He lost his right eye, his legs are healing, but he's missing part of his front left paw, and will walk with a limp.
He's at the vet today to have the feeding tube removed.
It's fine.
He is…fine.
Oh, here's something nice, though!
Khoshekh spent his whole life floating four feet off the ground at a fixed point in the men's bathroom here at our station.
He never moved from there until he was attacked.
I hate to think much about the pain he's been in while healing from broken bones and severe lacerations, but…listeners, I got to hold Khoshekh for the first time last week.
I got to pick him up, hug him, carry him around my home.
Carlos is allergic to cats.
But I bought him some Claratin, so he'll be fine while Khoshekh heals.
Thanks for all your concerns, dear listeners.
It's wonderful to have him back.
Oh, hey!
Janice's Girl Scout cookies have really been moving!
The guys in Sales just came by and bought some classic shortbread cookies.
The guys were all wearing matching suits and wool hats, and they threw the boxes of cookies back and forth to each other while shouting '
Hup!' and '
Catch!' and '
Look alive, Sean!' as they jogged back to their cubicles.
All of the guys in Sales are named Sean.
So, if you like delicious cookies, come on up to the station!
I already bought all these cookies with my own money, but I told Janice I would donate back all the proceeds from selling these boxes.
So, it's kind of an extra gift to the Girl Scouts of Night Vale.
Several listeners and coworkers have bought cookies, but…no one from station management yet.
It's really nice when you have the support of your management.
I mean, let's be honest.
No job is perfect, and relationships between bosses and employees aren't always friendly.
You're going to have disagreements, of course, little disputes – sometimes big disputes…enormous ones – but you get over those things.
You forgive and forget…only to retract both, and be filled with vindictive rage and unrelenting memories of the pain brought upon you.
Such are the difficulties of professional life.
Sure do hope station management steps it up here!
We're all friends, after all!
Looking at you in the booth, there, Daniel!
D'awww, listeners, Daniel is blushing!
He is very, very red.
You have a lot of blood, Daniel!
Listeners, I really mean that.
Daniel looks to have a lot of blood.
Let's have a look now at Traffic.
Cecil!
Hello?
Listeners?
I just saw a glimmer…a flicker of something here in the studio.
One moment there was simply a wall, and a floor, and air, and then in another moment there was a shape of a person.
Of a woman, a…
Cecil!
It's your former intern!
It's me, Dana!
Dana!
Where are you?
When are you?
For right now, I am here in the studio, but I'm also still trapped in a desert near the mountain, near the lighthouse.
But I'm learning more about how this works.
If I turn my head just right I can not only see places but…I can be places.
I can't do it for long, but it's amazing where I can go, when I can go.
I've been visiting with John Peters – you know, the farmer? – who appears here from time to time.
I met briefly one of your former interns, Maureen, who flicks in and out of existence here.
I've even made friends with some of the men and women of this nation-less army that wanders about the desert.
Dana, I am so glad you're here now!
I haven't heard from you in months!
I told your mother and brother I saw you, and you were safe, and that you love them very much.
Yes, I know.
Thank you, Cecil!
And do you know what?
Today is my brother's birthday.
He's 26 today, and I used the lighthouse and my new abilities to go visit him.
I finally got to see my family again, very briefly.
That's great news, Dana!
But here's what happened, and this is…well, when I appeared in my mother's home, I saw my mother, I saw my brother, I saw their friends, I saw a cake, and the cake said '
Happy 33rd Birthday.' And I was confused because he is only 26.
And I saw a woman standing near my brother.
She wore a suit.
She had short, natural hair.
She stood up straight, she glowed, she looked important.
I recognized her.
And then my brother saw me standing there, and my mother saw me standing there, and others saw me standing there…and they began to cry!
Find more lyrics at ※ Mojim.com
They were fearful tears, turning into shouts and screams.
Some people ran from the room, my mother couldn't come near me.
I said, '
Mom!
It's me, Dana!' And I held out my arms and tried to step toward her.
And no one could control their fear, their cries, no one could move.
But the woman next to my brother, she was smiling.
She knew.
She stepped toward me and, in that moment, I saw who it was.
I knew who it was.
It was me, Cecil!
She– I…must have been 29, if my math is good.
And she– I turned to my– our mother, and said '
It's OK!
It's OK!' And she held her hands up, and people went silent.
People listened.
And she told the room who I was, who she was, who we were, and what had happened.
Or, for me, what will happen.
And the tears turned from fear, to relief, to joy.
And we embraced.
You saw yourself!
You saw…your older self!
You should have seen the way everyone looked at the older me, Cecil!
They…admired me.
They saw me for someone else.
I must be important in my future life.
I must have a good job, or be a significant part of society.
I must have become something.
I tried to ask what I was to become, but I began to blink out of that time and place.
And I was back in the desert, more alone, less important.
You have always been important.
You have always been something.
Age just reveals the facts that always were, Dana.
Experience uncovers the you that always was.
I am glad to know that you will be safe, that you will come home.
That…
Dana?
You just flickered.
I– I can't see you!
I can't stay any longer.
I'm always going somewhere.
Someday I won't have to go, I will just be in the place that I am.
Our time and space will match again someday, Cecil.
And I am glad to know that.
Oh!
Tell Maureen Hi.
Goodbye, Cecil!
The Night Vale Highway Department is asking all motorists to please turn on your headlights when driving through construction zones.
If you see workers, please turn on your headlights.
If you see workers in orange vests and black balaclavas holding large metal devices that look like miniature satellite dishes, and whispering coded instructions into walkie-talkies, while low-hovering disc-shaped aircraft of the like you have never seen before zip about quickly overhead, please: turn on your headlights.
Please, for the safety of our workers, slow your vehicle.
Please turn on your headlights and slow your vehicle.
Slow your vehicle, with your headlights clearly in the ON setting, to a crawl.
Come to a complete stop.
For the safety of our highway workers and their vast interplanetary secrets, please get out of your vehicle and walk toward the hum.
You will hear a loud humming from above.
Please, follow the humming until you are completely lifted from this earth, from this world, never to return.
Well, to return eventually, but not to this time.
To a completely different time.
Maybe millennia from now.
Maybe millennia ago.
Who knows?
You will!
Eventually.
This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Night Vale Highway Department.
Good news, listeners!
Daniel is telling me that Strex
Corp and the whole management of the station is very excited about my support of the Girl Scouts of Night Vale, and they want to buy every box of Janice's cookies!
In fact, Lauren Mallard, our program director and Strex
Corp executive, is back again, here in my studio, with an announcement to make.
Thank you, Cecil!
Strex
Corp has long been a supporter of community organizations and the Girl Scouts, with their commitment to teaching young girls about nature, surviving in nature, controlling nature with their minds, radiation immunity, and advanced knife-fighting skills, are an important institution here in Night Vale.
Not just for our women leaders in the future, but also for Strex
Corp, right now, here in the present.
The Girl Scouts not only have a great reputation for youth leadership training, but a pretty extensive database of nearly every girl in Night Vale.
Their names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, and skill levels at various talents – like oil painting, or parasailing, or library science, or slingshots, or…helicopter piloting.
It sure would be nice to know where the young ladies are who are good at helicopter piloting.
Very few young girls are trained to fly helicopters.
We'd like to hunt down, or– Hmm…weird phrasing.
Scratch that.
We'd like to find, and meet, these talented girls.
So Strex
Corp is proud to announce that they have purchased the Girl Scouts of Night Vale, and will also be taking over management of the organization immediately.
Thank you, Night Vale.
We look forward to leading your children.
Daniel?
Can you, uh, help me carry these cookies out of here?
Umm, thank you, Lauren, for that.
You know, Cecil, I was never a Girl Scout myself, but I can say I am thrilled to support your endeavor to help bring your niece…
I'm sorry, what was her name again?
I…don't…want…
Janice.
Yeah.
It was Janice.
I love the way you're taking part in Janice's life.
You must really care for her.
Yes, with all my heart, but I don't…
I know what you're about to say!
It's my favorite part of your show.
Can I do it?
Just this once?
I've always wanted to do it!
Can you…do what?
Oh, how exciting!
Thank you, Cecil.
Listeners, I take you now to the weather.
['
Haunted' by Maya Kern]
I just talked to Janice, listeners, to tell her we sold all the cookies!
And she is very happy about the upcoming camping trip!
She is a sweet child who loves the outdoors.
Thank you listeners, and station coworkers.
No thank you to Steve Carlsberg, who couldn't be bothered.
Thank you, um, I guess, to Strex
Corp, for contributing to a great cause.
Please, continue the great work of the Girl Scouts.
Please.
They are a good organization and they deserve so much bet– …they deserve so many good things.
I hope all of the girls out there are safe on their upcoming camping trip.
There are not many places to hide in the desert, girls.
But, you're very innovative.
I mean, for playing tag, of course!
I mean for simple games, of course!
Not for…self preservation.
Or…well-thought-out strategic attacks on a highly-organized enemy.
You would never need to hide for those reasons!
Why would I even say that?
Why would I say anything?
Words?
No!
These are just strange noises I'm making with my face.
Strange noises!
And for the rest of you, what do you need?
Did you get your cookies yet?
Are you nourished by a couple of dollars given to a good cause in exchange for some sugary treats?
Do you feel you have done enough to help young women – a specific young woman with helicopter skills – to achieve great things in a town that needs, now more than ever, great things achieved?
Did you do enough with your cookie purchase to actualize what you believe in?
To empower kids who will one day rise up and speak a great truth while waving tear-stained copies of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets from the Portuguese?
Did you?
I'm sorry. I am not a good salesman.
Oh!
And now, it's time to go pick up Khoshekh from the vet, listeners.
Stay tuned next for a lifetime of self questioning, followed by conflicting answers from an unreliable source.
Goodnight, Night Vale.
Goodnight.
Today's proverb: At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.
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