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Baldwin of Erebor
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Talking Grand Melee Blues
I was at a tournament one day
Thought I'd join the grand melee
So I grabbed my sword and I grabbed my shield
Headed off across the field
Swingin' my sword... kickin' dogs... feelin' mean.
Well, without a moment of hesitation
I went to the nearest recruitin' station
They asked my name and I said, 'Pete'
Under 'Occupation' they put 'fresh meat'
I said, 'Hey... Who're we fightin' anyway?'
They just shrugged, and I started to bluster
Then I heard the call for the general muster
Captain was this pleasant fella
'Bout the size of a small gorilla
Six-foot-six... two ninety-five...
And they said he was a dwarf!
Well, we put our gear into fightin' shape
Passin' 'round rivets and rolls of tape
Captain said, 'This ain't no drill
We're goin' out there and we're gonna kill!'
And he started jumpin' up and down...
Yellin' 'Kill! Kill!'... but that's someone else's song.
I'm tellin' you, that was quite a sight
There was people dyin' left and right
But not me, I was walkin' tall
Till I ran into that damned shield wall
I looked at them... raised my sword...
And cried out like it says on page 47 of The Hero's
Handbook, 'Don't move, I've got you surrounded!'
Well, I soon saw that wouldn't work
That's when I started to berserk
Eleven or twelve of the enemy died
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And two or three from my own side.
Oh well... Easy come, easy go...
Now I sneaked a peek across my shield
Only one other guy standin' on the field!
I knew in a moment I was in a fix
Other man was Bellatrix
He said, 'Say... isn't that my glove
lying at your feet, my lord?'
(I was hoping he wouldn't notice!)
Now, I knew that it wasn't cool to faint
So I said a few words to my patron saint
Shifted my grip on my trusty mace
And said, 'H-h-h-how do you do, Your Grace?'
'Could be worse. By the way...
You been shriven today?'
I said, 'Sure,' and he said, 'Fine.
It's hard to ask when someone's dyin''
He said, 'If you'd like, you can stop and pray,
But make it quick, I ain't got all day.'
Pater Noster... Ave Maria...
God have mercy on my soul!
I said, 'Amen' and they said, 'Lay on'
(Which is the same thing in two different languages)
I knew in a moment I'd be gone
I threw a blow and started to block
Then my helm went around like a spinnin' top
He said, 'Not bad for a beginner...
Next time, put a little more snap into it!'
Then we BOTH fell dead!
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